Reality

It is not incredibly common to find a book the reminds you of your childhood dreams. Reminders of hidden passageways and daring adventures that make life glimmer with new possibilities.

I found one today, or rather yesterday. I have spent the last 48 hours drinking in this new gem, wholly engrossed in its pages. That is when you know you’ve found a diamond in the rough. When your surroundings take a backseat and your senses are overwhelmed with a new world, a new life.

A book can change a life. Not in any material way but maybe in a way that adds shadow and depth to an imagination, that changes a persons perceptions ever so slightly. It may not be for the better but it is still there.

My book added some depth to my day. A story of a boy, young and brilliant, assailed with tragedy, romance, and the heroism of youth. It made secret passageways and fantastical events seem almost possible again.

It also made me ache for a reality that I can’t reach in my waking hours. Walking home was like coming out of a deep sleep. It started with the strong belief in the impossible and then, as slow as a winters chill, reality crept into the edges of my vision.

Reality is a cruel thing, crueler than any word or person. A word may sting and a person may cause pain for awhile but reality can withstand the breadth of time. Pain will fade but reality is forever a thorn in my side.

Without reality I can have my passageways.

Without reality I can be a child.

Unfortunately, until I can escape reality I will be here and I will continue to dream my own reality.

Uncertain Future

Recently I’ve found myself facing the future.

In doing this, I realised I actually didn’t have anything concrete in mind. Sure, I’m doing an amazing degree and I have a stable job albeit as boring as you can get but I feel like I’m missing something.

Usually I would read a fantasy book about people getting everything their own special way or watch a TV show that makes me feel like special things can just happen and every ones life is exciting. This led to the depressing thought of; “Well, I don’t have super powers and I am no longer within the age group where vampires or supernatural events change your life forever…”

What do you do when your childhood starts drift away and your left with a boring job and an uncertain future?

My reaction has been to furtively search for 1. A better job 2. Maybe a career? 3. Start to get frustrated 4. Write a blog post illustrating how futile my search has been.

In doing this I have, however, discovered that I want to work in my university and I am also going to find a new book or TV show so that maybe adulthood will stay in the hazy distance and leave me with my teenage vampire crushes and superhero fantasies.

Goodnight xx

Release

Slowly, I will turn my limbs to iron. With this fire I will carve myself out of my prison.

If it takes a day, or a decade. I will be released.

I will walk a path across the world that shimmers with hope and determination.

I will create my own strength. I will end my own suffering.

If I falter or if I fall, I will wrench myself up and shrug off my weaknesses.

My heart will be made of fire and ice. Capricious, yet stolid against my foes.

Even if that foe is the reflection I see in the mirror.

I will crack my own facade and reveal the true self I keep hidden.

It will be glorious.

It will be me.

Sister

I was born first to help you through the hard times, to give you a gentle hand when you were in need.

You came into the world and didn’t even need me.

You were tough, beautiful, and opinionated, you didn’t need me at all.

It threw me a bit, I didn’t know how to respond to you.

It was like giving advice to an elder sibling, they just look down their nose and laugh.

I still try. I live my life, still thinking of ways to help you along.

Whether it’s something I see that would brighten your day, or something I know that would help you out.

Sometimes, you ignore my advice or throw it in my face. I don’t know how to react.

It comes out in words and actions that aren’t how I truly feel.

In the end I know you still need me. Even if you don’t know it yourself.

Once, you told me all the women in your life have always disappointed you.

I always hated that you were let down by so many people, myself included.

So, I’ll be here. Telling you my stories and experiences. Maybe one day you’ll listen and talk to me too.

Personal

I don’t put any real value in physical features because I truly believe that beautiful people are the people who are what I believe to be ‘self-actualised’.

These people always appear to have things; friends, talent, unconditional love from every side. These are the people that make my chest hurt to look at.

These are the people that have decided to be happy and I know I’m not there yet. Still far from it and probably in denial, too. It’s hard to become ‘self-actualised’ when you physically have something holding you back.

Imagine you couldn’t leave your room, dress how you want, act how you want, or even just hug someone without something holding you back. Something that makes you have an almost paralyzing barrier around you. This is how I am because of circumstances outside of my control. I can’t change nature.

This is my daily obstacle. I never talk about it. No one knows about it. But, it’s always there for me. I’d like to blame all my problems on this one thing but I am human. I know it’s not this thing that makes it hard for me to be happy.

So, I shall continue to live with it and like every other person I will try and overcome my obstacle.

Unwelcome Lessons

Currently, I am being tested. I am in the ‘pre-learning’ stage of some mysterious life lesson and if I’m not I want a refund.

When someone goes and squanders something that is valuable to you, but not necessarily important in any real sense, the propensity for disproportionate responses is large. This is the current situation I am going through and it’s not easy to not point fingers and make threats.

Being in the ‘pre-learning’ phase sucks because you can’t yet fully understand why you have to be the one experiencing the lesson. Why can’t it be someone else? Why couldn’t those people just not have done what they did? There are endless unanswerable questions that will follow you in an ordeal. This is my stage of inconsequential grief for an inanimate object that I procured on a commonly celebrated coming of age birthday.

It’s a small thing but it has taken up space in my mind for the last couple of hours and I’m waiting for the lesson to come to light. It would be nice, seeing as I am more than a bit upset about the whole business, but as always things don’t usually accommodate for your suffrage.

In light of this I will assume my own lesson; don’t leave your valuables with drunk people.