Sister

I was born first to help you through the hard times, to give you a gentle hand when you were in need.

You came into the world and didn’t even need me.

You were tough, beautiful, and opinionated, you didn’t need me at all.

It threw me a bit, I didn’t know how to respond to you.

It was like giving advice to an elder sibling, they just look down their nose and laugh.

I still try. I live my life, still thinking of ways to help you along.

Whether it’s something I see that would brighten your day, or something I know that would help you out.

Sometimes, you ignore my advice or throw it in my face. I don’t know how to react.

It comes out in words and actions that aren’t how I truly feel.

In the end I know you still need me. Even if you don’t know it yourself.

Once, you told me all the women in your life have always disappointed you.

I always hated that you were let down by so many people, myself included.

So, I’ll be here. Telling you my stories and experiences. Maybe one day you’ll listen and talk to me too.

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Personal

I don’t put any real value in physical features because I truly believe that beautiful people are the people who are what I believe to be ‘self-actualised’.

These people always appear to have things; friends, talent, unconditional love from every side. These are the people that make my chest hurt to look at.

These are the people that have decided to be happy and I know I’m not there yet. Still far from it and probably in denial, too. It’s hard to become ‘self-actualised’ when you physically have something holding you back.

Imagine you couldn’t leave your room, dress how you want, act how you want, or even just hug someone without something holding you back. Something that makes you have an almost paralyzing barrier around you. This is how I am because of circumstances outside of my control. I can’t change nature.

This is my daily obstacle. I never talk about it. No one knows about it. But, it’s always there for me. I’d like to blame all my problems on this one thing but I am human. I know it’s not this thing that makes it hard for me to be happy.

So, I shall continue to live with it and like every other person I will try and overcome my obstacle.

Unwelcome Lessons

Currently, I am being tested. I am in the ‘pre-learning’ stage of some mysterious life lesson and if I’m not I want a refund.

When someone goes and squanders something that is valuable to you, but not necessarily important in any real sense, the propensity for disproportionate responses is large. This is the current situation I am going through and it’s not easy to not point fingers and make threats.

Being in the ‘pre-learning’ phase sucks because you can’t yet fully understand why you have to be the one experiencing the lesson. Why can’t it be someone else? Why couldn’t those people just not have done what they did? There are endless unanswerable questions that will follow you in an ordeal. This is my stage of inconsequential grief for an inanimate object that I procured on a commonly celebrated coming of age birthday.

It’s a small thing but it has taken up space in my mind for the last couple of hours and I’m waiting for the lesson to come to light. It would be nice, seeing as I am more than a bit upset about the whole business, but as always things don’t usually accommodate for your suffrage.

In light of this I will assume my own lesson; don’t leave your valuables with drunk people.